Why you think you can’t meditate… Or… That Time I spent a Month on a Hare Krishna Ashram

“I just can’t meditate.”

“All I do is think.”

“It just stresses me out more.”

“It’s just not for me.”

These are the most common things I hear from people who have either never meditated, or who are just beginning their meditation journey.

I understand.

I feel you.

I see you.

This used to be me. 

The beginning of my meditation practice – The Hare Krishna Farm

I’m gonna take you back 6 years to an ashram at a Hare Krishna farm in Australia.

I had been travelling for about 5 months partying my way through Central America and then Thailand. When I ran out of money, I found myself in Australia on a vegetable farm with a group if Irish. After 4 months of running in front of a tractor with a machete, cutting broccoli for 12 hours a day and drinking endless boxes of goon, I decided I needed an actual break.

I originally left Canada to escape. Escape a terrible, manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship; the pressure to start a career and settle down; my childhood trauma etc, etc. But instead of healing, I masked my pain with traveling and partying.

I met Kirstie on the vegetable farm – we clicked instantly and went to the ashram together. It was the first time in months I had slowed down. I had to start dealing with my inner demons and it was uncomfortable to say the least. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. We lived in tents on the cold hard ground. Kirstie and I had to cuddle at night because we were so fucking cold. Every morning woke up at 5 am, to do yoga, sing Kirtan and meditate. Then we had to sit in more vegetable fields and pick weeds. I wondered why the fuck I had spend 4 months on vegetable farms where I got paid good money, to move to another fucking vegetable farm and work FOR FREE!

 Kirstie is also Canadian, and while she is younger than me, she seemed wise beyond her years. She would meditate on her bed, and read books, and hug trees and cleanse her crystals and tell the ocean how much she loved it. She is the type of person who makes you feel good just by being around them. Back then I thought she was a bit insane, but I just didn’t understand.

Kirstie was in her element at the ashram. She thrived there. Another girl whom I met travelling – Trish – also met us there. The two of them would laugh, and be silly, and play, have the best time, and I couldn’t join in. I felt… blah. I retreated into myself, writing, running, and wanting to spend more time alone. I did love the yoga every morning – I had been practicing for years and had missed it while travelling, but I “couldn’t meditate.” I thought that to meditate I had to ‘shut my mind off’ so to speak, and at the time, for me, that was impossible. All we were meant to do at the farm was be present. Be present picking the weeds, be present doing nothing, and it was fucking hard. 

Because I didn’t have a choice but to partake, after multiple break downs, wanting to quit and leave, I finally allowed myself to surrender, and eventually I started to enjoy the process. I left the ashram a month later a different person. Meditation became a part of my daily practice. I realised I needed it, and felt lost if I went a few days without it.

My meditation now…

That being said, my meditation has been on and off over the past 6 years. Sometimes I have to sit in silence for a while before I can go deep into that space of quiet presence. The more consistent I am with my practice, the easier it gets to drop into this space, but sometimes, especially if I’ve missed a couple days in a row, I sit down and realise all I’ve been doing for the past 10 minutes is thinking…Or sleeping. I’ll come out of the bedroom and Aran asks, 

“how was your meditation, you look super relaxed.” 

“I actually don’t know if I was meditating or sleeping.” I’ll reply.

<Edited> Over the past six months I haven’t gone more than two days in a row without meditating, and I can feel myself changing. I can easily drop in to the space without even closing my eyes. I can feel it with me. If I find myself becoming disconnected, I bring my awareness to my breath, walk barefoot in the grass, or bring my hand to my heart, and I can dip back in.

“But it’s harder for me, I can’t do it.”

People are often turned off by meditation or think it’s ‘not for them’ or that they can’t do it because they associate meditation with being able to sit still cross legged on the floor with a straight back and and empty mind for hours on end. 

Let me tell you – when you start meditating the opposite is going to happen. You are going to realise just how much junk takes up space in your mind. It’s this step – the being still long enough to just become aware of your thoughts that is difficult; but it’s the only way forward.

Once you learn to silence some of the nonsensical crap that goes on in your head, you might notice strong emotions arise- these you may have to sit with, go into without judgement, and explore. But so much of our thoughts are utter shit, it’s important we learn to watch them, and then learn that they aren’t the truth, and allow ourselves to move away from them. ((Check out my blog post on changing thought patterns for more on this. ).

So How do I Meditate?

There are many different approaches you can take when beginning to meditate and it might take a while for you to find what works for you, but at the end of the day they are all leading to the same thing.

1. Headspace is an app you can download with hundreds of guided meditations. They offer a free trial with a few different meditations you can try to see if it’s for you. I actually started using this about a year after I started to meditate, but I think it is more helpful for people who are just starting out.
2. Insight Timer is a new app I recently started using and it is my favouite- also free, and thousands of guided meditations, music etc.
3. Calm is another meditation app – I haven’t tried it, but I’ve heard really good things.
4. Youtube. You can type in ’10 minute meditation for beginners’ or ’15 meditation for anxiety’ or whatever you’re feeling and have a scroll through to find one that calls to you. I still do this on occasion.
5. You can start by becoming aware of your breath – the inhales and the exhales – when your mind starts to wander – which it will – once you notice it has wandered, just gently nudge it back to your breath. 
6. Body scan. You can start from the crown of your head, becoming aware of and feeling into each body part, working your way down to your toes. When your mind starts to wander you can gently bring it back to the body part you last remember feeling – or if you have time you can start back at the top of your head and begin working your way down again.
7. If I’m having trouble sleeping I like to start with my breath – making the exhales longer than the inhales lowers your hear rate and brings you into a state of relaxation – and then I start a body scan from my pinky toe. I focus on my pinky toe, feeling it, and then move on to the second toe. If my mind starts to wander I might go back to the breathing and then start at my pinky toe again. There haven’t been many times where I’ve even got past all 10 toes.

The key is to notice when your mind has wandered, and gently nudge it back, without judging or getting frustrated that it has wandered. It’s normal. 

Meditation is a never ending journey

The first step when starting to meditate is learning to focus your mind. You can compare your mind to a dog… walking, walking, walking, then SQUIRREL!!  You have to tug on the leash to get the dog to focus back on walking next to you. Then 2 seconds later the dog tries to dart off again because… SQUIRREL! Then you tug on the leash gently to bring the dog back into step. The more frequently you do this, and the more consistent you are with this training, the easier it will be for the dog to know to walk in step with you and not get as distracted at a SQUIRREL!!! You can think of your breath as a leash for the mind – every time your mind starts to wander, you can gently tug it back to your breath.

Every time you notice your mind wander and you gently tug it back, you are strengthening new neural networks – every time you do this it will become a little easier. When you start to show yourself compassion by lovingly guiding your mind, it will also become easier to show yourself compassion outside of meditation.

It’s important to remember that your mind is a part of you. It’s not your enemy. So work with it. As hard as it is, try not to get frustrated when it wanders. It’s only behaving the way it has for years and years; if you think of your mind like a dog again, it’s only following its instinct. So be kind, send it love, and with enough consistency, you and your mind can work together, and your whole world will be transformed.

Eventually you will begin to be in the physical world differently. Your meditation practice will begin to seep into the rest of your life. More and more moments will become sacred. You wont have to sit and close your eyes in meditation to be in the stillness. You will begin to notice it is with you all the time.

~Love, light & laughter~