Exercise is the best Medicine Part 2: The Struggle is Real

When I began writing my last post, it started out as kind of a tribute to my parents; how they got me into training and eating healthy at an early age, and how I grew to be so passionate about the importance of exercise. But as I continued to write, the story took on a life of its own and tuned in to something completely different. I don’t think I actually ever really realised how bad my relationship with training and food became, until I really looked back at my patterns over the years.

Freshman Fifteen? More Like Travel Twenty

After gaining a bunch of weight on the farm in Australia, I went on a detox for a month and finally felt myself again. When I moved back to Sydney I started drinking and eating all the pizza again ( like every day) and I was terrified to gain it back. My addiction to training crept its way back into my life. I would run a minimum of 10km every day on top of running to the gym, training and running home. I would run 20km after a night out, starting the run still half cut. But this wasn’t the worst part. On top of all of this, I started making myself throw up. I never thought it was a problem and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it at the time, but looking back now, I see how fucked up it all really was. 

This carry on lasted for about a year. When I lived in Canada for a couple of months before moving to Ireland, on top of the excessive exercise and puking, I would also try and eat as little as possible. I actually can’t believe I did this for so long, and it is so hard for me to even admit.

When in Ireland, you eat potatoes – The road to recovery

When I first came to Ireland, I continued with my crazy regimen of eating as little as possible, running as far as I could, and training in the gym at least once a day.

I wasn’t prepared for what the food was going to be like. I went from eating nothing but salads to sitting down at a family dinner with a creamy chicken pie covered in thick pastry. I couldn’t make myself throw up for fear that I would be heard, so I stopped eating at all during the day to prepare myself for the calorie dense dinners. 

The first time Aran took me to a restaurant, I remember my heart beat quickening and beads of sweat forming on my upper lip as I scanned the  menu full of potatoes, stews and beef for something I could eat. 

I Didn’t Die

I was an outsider, in a strange home, in a new country, and after all his family were doing for me; taking me in and feeding me, there was no way I was going to let the anxiety I felt at dinner time show. Although it was hard for me to get used to, I ate everything that was put in front of me, and I didn’t die. My efforts of not eating all day didn’t last long either. I would be home alone with Aran’s Dad and he would constantly ask if I wanted anything to eat. I didn’t want to be rude by declining all of the time, so eventually I had to start eating more. It might have been the best thing to happen to me.

Knowledge is Power

I enrolled in a personal training course after being in Ireland for about 6 months. It’s something I had wanted to do since high school, but had been too scared to make the leap of faith. This, in combination with Aran always telling me how good I look, and the realisation that I wasn’t going to die if I ate puff pastry helped me develop a healthy relationship with training and food over time.

It’s not like I woke up one day and decided I wasn’t afraid to eat anymore, it was a process, which involved learning more about training and nutrition and understanding my own body.  It is so important to understand what is actually going on inside of our bodies when we eat certain foods, drink alcohol, don’t eat, eat too much, over-train or under-train.

So many people struggle with body image, and it is so hard to not compare ourselves to the unrealistic, edited images that swamp our social media feeds. I think a lot of people, struggle with their relationship with food and exercise, and, like me, don’t even realise the toll it is taking on their body and mental health.

Over the past few years I have done a lot of soul searching and have grown in my self confidence and self worth to a point where I love myself and my body no matter what shape or size I am. It took a long time to get here, and I will never be done learning and growing, but I am very proud of how far I have come. 

I have learned that its ok to have a glass of wine (or sometimes bottle) and not feel guilty. You can eat a pizza and you don’t have to run a half marathon the next day to make up for it. As cliche as it sounds, life IS about balance. I love training, I love being healthy, and I also love pizza and wine. Now I can enjoy both, and can help others enjoy the same.

If you or someone you know struggles with food or exercise, I am here to help and am only a message away. <3 You are not alone <3