We Have Only Today…

This is the first tattoo I got, almost 6 years ago, during my first backpacking experience in Thailand, that changed the course of my life forever. 

Yesterday is gone
Tomorrow has not yet come
We have only today
Let us begin

– Mother Teresa

To this day, I try to live by these words.  When we are depressed it is because we are thinking about the past, when we are anxious it is because we are worrying about the future. What problem do you have at this very second that can be dealt with in this moment? We need to stop waiting for some time in the future to be happy, because the future never actually arrives. It is always only now. Now is the only time we can ever be happy. 

I need to get out

I returned home after this trip to Thailand, to a terrible relationship, where I was abused, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I was lied to and cheated on, more times than I can count, and for the life of me I have no idea how I kept taking this guy back. I was manipulated, and felt completely stuck. My self-esteem was shattered, and there was barely a thread of the confident, outgoing person I once was. I was also returning to a ‘promising’ job in marketing. I had just graduated University and I felt like this is what was expected of me. On paper, it was a great career opportunity, but I fucking hated it. Before I left for Thailand, my boyfriend at the time and I (lets call him Scott) had been talking about saving for a house and doing the whole grown up thing, because it seemed like everyone around us was doing it. Ew. Writing these words actually make me want to be sick. When I planned for the trip to Thailand I told my job, my boyfriend, my parents and his that it was the one big trip of a life time before I settled down and got serious. But when I got home, I realised that I hadn’t been happy. I had only been waiting for something to make me happy. 

Don’t wish your life away

The next thing I did, and what anyone with post-holiday depression would do was start planning my next get away. I didn’t care where I was going, as long as it was far away. I got in touch with Tara, a girl I met in Thailand and she said she wanted to do Central America the following year. I told her to count me in. I assured my family, Scott’s family and my friends that I would only be travelling for 3 months; I had a boyfriend, a car, and a mountain of student debt to get back to. Everyone questioned, if it was true that I would be back in a few months, why I refused to buy a return ticket.

Over the course of the next year, I felt like I was always waiting for something. Every day in work I would count down the minutes to my morning break. Then count down lunch. Then to 5 O’clock when I could go home to what? To the super fucked up relationship I felt trapped in? Then I was waiting for the weekend, then the next holiday, then what? Then life is over and you realise you haven’t been happy because you’ve been waiting for the right time? Let me tell you. The right time is now.

When I was very young I looked out the big window at the front of our house, watching all the kids go to school, and I said to my dad ‘ I want to be a big kid going to school!’ My dad replied with, “Be careful, don’t wish your life away.’ Those words are something that have stuck with me my whole life, but at this time, I forgot their importance.

The time to be happy is now!

It is ingrained in us that our lives should go a certain way, and if they don’t then we are outcasts or considered ‘not successful’  There is so much pressure to get out of high-school, go to university, get a good job, work your way up the corporate ladder, get engaged, get married, buy a house, have kids…. FUCK ME. I’m sorry but that does not appeal to me. And I mean absolutely no offence to anyone doing these things and loving life. But I KNOW that there are a shit ton of people out there, riding this wave because, like me, they think it is the only option.

Life is so short and so precious and we need to seize the moment no matter what it is because we are so fucking lucky to be here! None of us are guaranteed our next breath. Anything can happen completely out of our control. Why wait another second to be happy!? Why not be happy right fucking now. Take a deep breath. That is life. Look around you. Smell the fucking roses. Get off your god damn phone and notice the birds and the trees and the elderly couple sneaking a kiss. 

So many people hate their jobs, but continue trudging along like I was because they think there is no other option. So many people feel stuck in terrible relationships like I was because they can’t see a way out, and are worried they won’t find anything better.

I know it’s scary. It’s fucking scary. But no one got anywhere by staying in their comfort zone.

Slowly but Surely Getting my Shit Together

I kept a journal from the day I left and within a month I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. At this point I realised that I was alone, free, my life was mine to be happy in for as many moments as possible, I could do whatever the fuck I wanted… AND THATS EXACTLY WHAT I DID.

Some of my subsequent posts will be taken directly from my travel journal, which was never written with the intention of showing anyone: Entries will be raw, offensive, and will probably say things that a lot of people won’t want to hear.

So, if you decide to keep reading, I present to you a series by me that follows my travels, trials and tribulations through my twenties: ‘Slowly but Surely Getting My Shit Together’.